How The Marriage Counseling Process Works

What is the purpose of therapy?

When people are troubled with painful life situations, counseling can be a way to either view those situations differently or to change the way one handles them. Most importantly, therapy is an opportunity to be really listened to and understood.

What is marriage counseling or marital therapy?

It is a way of bringing new found harmony and attraction between a disagreeing couple. It is a way of rebalancing the amount of bad feeling that comes from being hurt so much with good feeling that comes from renewed kindness and friendship.

How does the counselor work when one person is abusive?

When one spouse in a couple is abusive, the counselor continues to work with both people. An effective therapist helps the abuser to (a) heal from his or her own childhood abuse or lack of discipline, (b) learn appropriate and effective ways of handling current emotional pain, (c) recognize what verbal abuse is, and (d) learn to distinguish feelings of being victimized from actual victimization. This one is of major importance and to understand this better, please read more about my book The Secret Marriage Killer: Eradicating Verbal and Emotional Abuse. The counselor also helps the former abuser to (e) learn to "read" his or her partner's emotions and meet those emotional needs in the partner.

At the same time, the counselor helps the victim to (a) learn to recognize mental and psychological abuse, (b) heal from past abuse, (c) accept her or his (understandable) anger at the abuse and channel that anger productively towards preventing re-victimization in the current relationship, (d) begin to recognize and encourage signs of improved coping skills in the formerly-abusive partner, and, finally, (e) participate in and enjoy the growing intimacy of the couple.

How long should this take?

Depending on how long it has been since the two of you were on good terms and felt warmly toward one another, the process could be accomplished in as little as one session to a couple of years.

How are therapy goals set?

PThe client decides what is wrong and what is to be accomplished. I do not abuse my expertise to orchestrate the direction of therapy. My job is to offer the insights of a stranger looking somewhat objectively at you and your relationship. But I respect the fact that you know your life, your desires, and your pain better than I could.

What is the therapist's job?

The therapist helps clients meet their goals. She or he does his by helping clients discover their own inner resources and use these resources as the basis for new solutions. The art of therapy is to notice themes and patterns, see things from a different angle, remember seemingly unrelated events that may be important, and generally bring in her own life experience and wisdom to add a new perspective to the one the client already has.

This approach sounds different from psychiatry, psychology, and social work. Is it?

The therapist should be neither an advocate for one party nor for the other, but rather help both take on new and healthier roles. This position is radically different than the one inherent in the legal model (in which the professional can advocate for only one party or the other). It is also distinct from the psychology model in which the therapist is presumed to become biased in favor of the party in attendance due to something called "transferrence." Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to be "multipartial."

The other distinction in the professions is that psychiatry, psychology, and social work are based on the idea that someone is sick and requires treatment. Marriage and Family Therapists do not focus on pathology. They see symptoms as a result of people's struggles to cope with difficulties--which is the human experience.

Don't you believe there is such a thing as mental illness?

There have been studies that find different brain chemistry in people with varying "disorders". But no one knows what caused that. It is a chicken-and-egg kind of problem. Did the problem come from the genes? Or, did the emotional behavior of members of the fammily of origin get copied by that individual thus causing different brain chemicals to be secreted? Or maybe the so-called sick person reacted to something painful in the family of origin with poor coping skills. Which came first? The fact that some Medication sometimes work in conjunction with therapy does not prove anything. If tylenol works for a headache, it doesn't mean I was born with that headache! For more on this topic, please read the articles I have on medication

From what you say, will any marriage counselor do?

Not necessarily. You need someone skilled in a systemic way of looking at people and someone whose philosophy is to save the marriage. For details, please see my credentials.

If I see you for a while and my husband comes in with me later, won't you be biased in my favor and unable to be fair to his point of view?

That is common for therapists not skilled in couples and family therapy. Family therapists are trained to understand each person's perspective from his or own point of view. A good couples counselor, as I said, is multipartial. It is as if I were sitting in a room listening to a song sung by one person. I'm kind of waiting to hear the harmonies. When the other person walks in and I can hear that person's "side," it's as if the music were complete and makes sense.

My husband and I don't get along. We are considering divorce. Can you help at this late stage?

Relationships go sour for lots of reasons. People attracted to their "opposite" at one time may be tired of those opposite characteristics. Or, baggage from one's upbringing may be interfering with the realtionship. Marital therapy can work through these issues--and others. It can rekindle the spark. All I need from both of you is patience while you let me untangle the mess--which I will!

My spouse is physically abusive. Should I leave? Should I divorce.

Your safety and that of the children is most important. You may need to go to a shelter; you may need a restraining order; you may need to go where you cannot be traced. Statistically, the danger of violence is greatest in the period following a divorce and up to two years later, so I would not rush to divorce. I would suggest a safe separation combined with counseling that each of you gets with me. When the abuser is calm and rational, and learns to control his or her emotions and both of you have tools to de-escalate situations, then you can re-assess whether to divorce or not. If you have children, you will want them to have a loving relationship with their parent, so stemming the abuse is a priority over divorce.

I live on the other side of the country (world). But I like your approach. Can we work together?

Yes, we can work by phone within the United States or online worldwide.

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