World Peace and Shalom Bayit

 FJN, February 16, 2007

The most aggravating thing about current world affairs is that just when you’d think that the world should realize that we Jews have been fighting all along with real enemies, not “martyrs” in the Middle East, now that each set of “martyrs” is killing the other set—but it doesn’t. Two bad groups are at each other’s throats, and who should “give a little”?—the Jewish State. That’s frustrating.

Where do you go with that sense of frustration? Where is there an outlet for it? To the local hangout for a few beers? To shul?

As we plead for an ounce of shalom, rage in our hearts, in a moment of weakness we can destroy shalom bayit. We go with our irritation to our families, of course. Aren’t we supposed to be able to speak freely to our husbands? Our wives? Our children? Who else can we unload on if not those we love?

Wrong.

Doing that makes them win. They win when they’ve gotten to us so badly that ohelei Yaakov are no longer beautiful but instead torn with strife. They win when we hurt those dearest to us. They win when we sadly realize that in constantly unloading our frustrations on our families, our families no longer want to be ours—when they’ve had enough of us.

I don’t want them to win and I don’t think you do either. A complete new way of looking at the meaning of our wives and husbands, our parents and children, is necessary. The reality is that our families are most precious and we slip from that knowledge. We take the easy way out by our anger, our short tempers, and our quick blame.

And that is so sad because it is precisely now when everything has gone dark in the world that it would be so healing to reach out to our family members and be able to soothe and comfort one another. Precisely now is when we need most to give and get love and care from those closest to us.

And this can happen. We can make it happen. Try this two-step process:

First, put aside old hurts and start fresh. How? Ask yourself: Did my partner, the love of my life intend to hurt me? The answer is: Yes, I felt hurt, but that doesn’t mean that there was an intention to hurt. What then was the intention behind the words that zing like a dagger? Usually the intention is to get a message across. The message hiding under the nasty words is: “You hurt me.” So I am asking you to totally change this cycle. The person with that message has got to STOP giving it loaded with hurt. You have to say simply and plainly, “You hurt me.” No sarcasm, no zingers.

The person on the receiving end has got to remind himself or herself over and over (just in case the sender does not do the step suggested above): No, I don’t think my partner is a nasty, mean person who wanted to hurt me. The recipient has got to answer by saying, “Say it again without the invective. Your message is getting lost AND you’re hurting me in the process.”

Second, change the way you walk in the door. (A start has to start somewhere, right?) If you are usually grumpy, smile. If you usually ask what is for dinner, ask instead, “How was your day?” In other words, be prepared to give. It is paradoxical but true that when you give kindness, you get it back. You get it back directly in proportion to how much you don’t measure your giving against the other’s giving.

If this sounds hard, it is. If it sounds easy, it is. Sometimes the hardest things are a matter of just doing them. A man told me recently that he made a decision once to quit cocaine. And he did. He also told me that quitting nicotine was harder, but a second man told me he decided to quit cigarettes and he actually did. Just like that. A mother told me that she decided to stop yelling, but she did not do it. Right in front of my eyes, she started in with the yelling. What is the difference between these situations? The last one was only talking; the intention was not in her heart. She felt angry so she believed that her anger gave her the justification to continue behavior that she acknowledged was painful and didn’t accomplish anything anyway. Search your heart for the right intention—and then do it right.

Don’t let them win. Create shalom bayit and maybe the world will find shalom.