How to Pursue Happiness in the Dating Game - Part I

by Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn
The Jewish Star Times , February 6, 2002, p. 17

The funny thing about happiness is, the messages about how to get it make no sense. As one example, the Declaration of Independence says we are entitled to pursue it. All we have to do is put our energy into it-this being a workaholic society and all-and it falls into our life like an over-ripe plum. Sounds good except that the Declaration of Independence didn't come with instructions as to just how to do that pursuing. The Torah, our Guiding Light, seems even more incomprehensible. It actually goes and commands us to be happy: "Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha," serve G-d with joy. Forget about pursuing it, just do it! As if we could.

But we can.

Obviously, we can because if we couldn't, then G-d wouldn't have asked us to.

The roadmap for that "pursuit" lies is that innocent-looking word, "ivdu." We were created to serve G-d. The entire purpose of our having been created, the very meaning of our existence, is to serve G-d. With every breath we take, we are supposed to be serving G-d. And that service should be sincere. It turns out that if we do that, if we serve Him "with all our hearts and all our souls and all our might," as it says in the Shema, the command, "Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha," becomes more than that; it becomes a description of an outcome. Think about it: When you're working on a cherished project, fully engaged in it-however challenging-or maybe because it is challenging, aren't you happy? The very act of serving G-d with complete commitment brings us the happiness.

It isn't easy, this complete commitment business. G-d is always testing us. How do you serve G-d with joy when He presents good reasons to be miserable? How do you serve G-d with joy when you're lonely and you're aching with a sense of your incompleteness? The answer is the same one we Jews were told as we stood at Har Sinai: "Na'aseh ve'nishma," which, colloquially put, becomes "Just do it! Then you'll hear about it later."

And here's a good diagnostic test to see whether you are even starting on the right track. Compare how much mental energy you expend on thinking what you want in life and what you're looking for, to how much mental energy you expend on asking yourself: Is this what G-d wants of me? Am I doing His job right?

Now, at last, here comes the easy part: If you're not doing it right, make some reminders for yourself to start thinking differently. Looks hard, but it isn't. Just put little sticky notes everywhere. I'm not kidding. Every time you catch yourself in one of those "me, me, me" modes, let that be a cue to stop and switch gears to "G-d, G-d, G-d." The beauty of it is that as you start thinking differently, you will start feeling differently. I promise. That's how you follow the Shema's requirement to put your whole heart and soul into your service to G-d. Once your mind is directed to please G-d instead of yourself, a great weight is lifted because, at the same time as you do His bidding, you are putting yourself in His hands. It's almost as if you had an implicit deal, "Look, G-d, I'm serving You to the best of my ability, so I know You will do whatever is right for me. You will take care of me." Of course, He always does that, but now you can feel even more reassured about it.

That's not to say we shouldn't have our own goals. Striving for personal goals is not incompatible with searching to be sure we are doing G-d's will. There just has to be a balance.

Let's apply all this to the dating game. The Torah gives us some pretty clear indications of what to look for, beginning with His creation of Adam and Chava. First, G-d blew into the nostrils of his Adam/Chava creation, meaning simply that all human beings are a little piece of G-d.

Obviously then, they all deserve respect. If you're dating, and someone does not treat you with respect, he/she has just struck out.

Next, Chava was meant to be Adam's companion, as the Artscroll Chumash notes: Chava's "purpose was not for reproduction, for Adam had been created with that function. Rather, God wanted Adam to have the companionship, support, and challenge that is present in good marriages." So if you meet someone and you don't seem to have an exchange of ideas, a meeting of the minds, in short, if you don't "click" intellectually, then this is not going to work. That is not to say you must agree on everything; disagree by all means-but enjoy the mental diversity. The Torah and commentaries have much, much more to say on this companionship issue, the gist of which is don't underestimate the importance of the intellectual and spiritual connection that is necessary for a good marriage.

The Torah, however, did not underestimate physical attractiveness either. Sarah imeinu, for example, was beautiful. But it would not be possible to separate out the variable of outer beauty from her inner glow created by her fine character. What, for example, is charisma?

see part II >>