Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community
by Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn The Jewish Star Times, April 4, 2001, p. 24
Passover, the holiday of freedom, is upon us. This may be the perfect time for men and women to contemplate whether, within the supposedly safe haven of the Jewish home, all its members are indeed emotionally and physically free. The sad fact is that they are not.
According to statistics compiled by Jewish Women International, domestic violence occurs in Jewish households at the same rates as in non-Jewish homes. An incredible 15 percent to 25 percent of all Jewish households experience violence. That means that in a congregation of 500, there could be approximately 100 victims. A 1979 study in Los Angeles showed equal rates of violence among Conservative, Orthodox, Reconstructionist, and Reform families. Child abuse too, is to be found in the Jewish community including physical, verbal, sexual, and emotional.
Given the traditional love of shalom among Jews, one would think that such horrors could not exist. And that is precisely the problem. We labor under images of what we should be, not what we are. To address what we are is to wade into murky waters of shanda, shame. This is unfortunate and the sooner we get over it, the sooner we will be able to reach our ideals. Jews are just as prone to succumbing to evil as the rest of the world. We were chosen, yes-to work on ourselves. We were not chosen because we are better to begin with. But the myth of the peaceful household, shalom bayit, prevails, rendering us blind to the physical and emotional destruction around us. Let us look at some facts:
- The definition of "assault" is the threat to do violence.
- The definition of "battery" can be as small as touching the other person-as long as the touch was unwanted. Therefore, "just" a little push is battery.
- There is a 30 percent to 60 percent overlap between violence against children and violence against women in the same families.
- A national survey of more than 6,000 American families suggests that battered women were at least twice as likely to abuse their children physically than were women who were not abused.
- Witnessing may be as harmful to children as suffering physical abuse. Young children can be overwhelmed by their exposure to violence, especially when both the victim and the perpetrator are well known and emotionally important to the child
- Jewish women have a rate of physically abusing their husbands which is more than double the rate for Protestants.
- Physical abuse is the end product of escalating verbal abuse. Leaving an argument to "cool off" is the best violence prevention.
- Speaking of verbal abuse, don't underestimate the damage it does. It destroys self esteem in children and adults; it is a major cause of depression in married couples.
- Endless criticism, even if well-meant, does the same damage as harsher forms of verbal abuse.
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If Passover means anything at all, it should mean the importance of respecting the rights of the individual. And which individuals are more deserving of that respect than the people we are supposed to love? The rabbis tell us that sometimes behavior change has to precede attitude change. That is, when we act right, we can start to think right. Stop making excuses for even small amounts or subtle forms of abuse. Let's start acting right. Let's see to it that even the members of our families are free this Passover. Debby Hirschhorn is a psychotherapist living in Broward County.
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