Jean & Ricky, Part II: Boy, Did I Get a Whupping!

"I felt compelled to write after reading your assessment of Ricky and Jean. I am a victim of physical and verbal abuse and felt there was more effort to show how both people did something wrong when there should be total condemnation of Ricky's actions. Jean could have some fine-tuning, but this is a mute point in the midst of physical violence. I disagree with your statement that said: 'So who is the REAL victim? Well, they all are. Rick's mother should have told him, "Sweetie, it's not you." Rick's father, ditto. By not doing that, they victimized him and left him open to interpreting innocent things the wrong way.' This statement makes it appear that Ricky is a victim now for acts that happened to him as a child. True, he was absolutely a victim as a child, but as an adult, he has to take complete responsiblity for his actions. I really recommend that you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans."

A well written letter that inspired me to write a follow up. I want to begin by asking this really, really important question: What is our goal? As a society, what is our goal in the domestic violence scene? As a victim of it, what is your goal?

It would be so, so normal to say that your goal was to beat the c--- out of your abuser! But you know, you can see without my saying so that that is just what your abuser did to you. And it wasn't right. And nothing will make it right. You maybe wish you could. And you certainly are entitiled to fantasize while you heal. But ultimately, your healing will not be complete if you take the same position of violence that your abuser did

So what is the goal with this perpetrator? The letter writer was certainly correct in saying: "He has to take responsibility for his actions."

But is that the goal?--To have this angry man beat up his wife and then "take responsibility" for it? Wouldn't a better goal be to not have him beat her up ever again? Let's talk long term goals here. Society would not function with mere "I'm sorry." Anyway, he actually did that in the opening scene. He stated emphatically that he beat her up. He was genuinely sorry; he even cried. So what? Will that prevent the next attack? The real question for us is How do we get him to change? How do we get him to not want to ever be violent again? That is the goal. And that will never happen if our position is "total condemnation" of this man.

The reason why: Because the minute we, society, attack him, in that minute we recreate his original abuse.

If the goal is a contrite man, a man who comes to abhor abuse, a man who is kindly, compassionate, empathic, generous, sincere, emotionally giving, a man who would never utter a word of blame or criticism again, let alone raise a fist in anger, then our best course of action in teaching him all this is to treat him the way we would want him to treat us. The Golden Rule. A good rule not only to live by, but to counsel offenders by. It works. And further abuse won't. That'll backfire.

The fallacy of the Patricia Evans approach is there is too much anger and no healing for the perpetrator. Without healing, there will be no contrition, and no accepting of that responsibility that we all want from the abuser. Yes, that man is still a victim now of the abuse he suffered as a child. Until he heals. You are going to perhaps argue with me that not all child victims grow to be adult perpetrators and of course you are right. Some victims grow up to be victims again--the very thing the letter writer alluded to although I don't know that she ever was a child victim. Some become perpetrators who may be beyond redemption and belong in jail with the key thrown out. Other victims grow up to lead sort of normal lives. Statistically, only between 10 and 20 percent of abusers show evidence--and this is an interpretation I am putting on some fascinating work by eminent researcher Neil S. Jacobson--of being unredeemably evil. So is it my job to play judge and jury as to which perpetrator I should not try to heal so that he can redeem himself?

As Ozzy Osbourne was reported on the People page of my daily newspaper to have said to a British paper after revealing that he was sexually molested from age 11 on by two older boys: "Everything when you are a kid affects you in later life. If you build a wall with rocky foundations you are going to have pretty unstable walls when it's finished."

Ricky was and still is a victim. You want contrition? You want responsibility? You want real and permanent change? Heal him.

Let's look at Jean. Jean's story is so sad. Here she needs the support of her husband; she's exhausted; she's also still pulling her weight financially even after having a baby--and he is not there for her. Has she done anything wrong? Not majorly. A little inconsideration but nothing to throw punches about. She is not supposed to be a therapist for her husband; that is not her job. So what can she do? She should get that man into therapy! She should say, "Honey, there's this crazy Dr. Deb who understands men better than I do and she will help you." Then leave it to me. Say it nicely so he'll really listen. Oh, and add one important piece: "Even though what you have done is awful, she isn't going to be judgmental. Really." If he says, "It's your fault too; I won't go without you," just say "Okay." Better to get him started with his therapy one way or the other. Then keep him going back, even when it gets uncomfortable for him--because healing requires facing old pain. Just keep him coming. Perps can change in amazing way's. I've seen it again and again

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